I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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