i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
