everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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