My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
