so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
