just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
