After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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