Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
ugly people sure do ruin things
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
