my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
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