You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
