dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
