College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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