after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she peed on how many people?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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