It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
