Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Say something about gay babies.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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