WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The struggles of a small town man whore
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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