dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
