He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
