Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
