Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
