I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
