i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
