I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
