Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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