there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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