the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
