I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
