I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
