Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
