There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
They have beer where we have blood.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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