: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
