I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
