I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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