So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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