remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
