She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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