I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
