dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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