Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
