He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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