The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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