trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
