worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
