Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Found your dick twin last night
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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