I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
