just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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