Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
