Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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