i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
