Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think your dad took our porno
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
